RJR Bounces Back with New Injectable Tobacco Product

Years ago, during the much-publicized tobacco settlement, government officials advised the tobacco industry to branch out into new products, hopefully ones that won’t kill tens of thousands of people every year. Well, they listened. In fact, they were so Injectable Tobacco Productenthusiastic about the suggestion that they completely missed the last part.

Since that time the industry has spent its considerable fortunes developing new and innovative products that retain the same toxic allure that consumers and undertakes have come to expect. Unfortunately, the government doesn’t seem to get it. Either afraid of change or simply jealous of all these awesome ideas federal regulators have stepped in every time to swat down the industry’s best new product categories.

This week the FDA banned flavored cigarettes on the grounds that the products were designed for and marketed to consumers too young to purchase them legally, and insiders say that it’s just a matter of time before the newly-empowered agency also bans the industry’s newest high-tech offering: tobacco in the form of dissolvable strips packaged to look like breath mints.

It’s just not fair.

Not to worry.

The same scrappy, resourceful industry that brought us scientific breakthroughs like the T-Zone is bound to have another amazing technological marvel up its sleeve. And indeed they have. On the very same day of the FDA’s announcement, RJ Reynolds launched a new product based on an entirely new delivery medium: injectable nicotine.

Hypo brand intravenous cigarettes will hit store shelves early next year and will come in three varieties: lights, menthols, and China white.

At first Hypos will require a doctor’s prescription, but with a little luck, and a few million well placed lobbying dollars, RJR hopes to secure over the counter approval by 2011.

Critics claim that the company’s shift toward injectable tobacco is a blatant attempt to further addict and enslave its customer base, but company-sponsored scientists say this point of view could not be more wrong.

It’s all about convenience.

Due to concerns over second hand smoke, there are fewer and fewer places where RJR’s customers can consume their products. Hypos can be enjoyed anywhere without fouling the air or making a scene. Instead of having to leave the school play to light up outside the school, mom or dad can just whip out a Hypo and shoot up right there in the auditorium.

Industry analysts predict groundbreaking success for the Hypo brand. After some initial hesitancy, existing customers will flock to the new product like, well, like addicts. But this new product is primarily focused on generating new customers. Marketing teams at RJR are already working on product placement deals for movies and TV shows. Researchers say they are just a month away from developing a way to French inhale with a syringe. At that point, no teenager will be able to resist Hypo’s rebellious allure.

According to sources inside RJR, the idea came up during a long brainstorming session a few years ago when some middle manager joked that he wished that the company had the patent on Oxycontin. That’s when it dawned on senior executives: they kind of did.

© Copyright: September 23, 2009 Ridiculopathy

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